Reaching the Heart of Your Child

I am usually writing to help you become more effective in the leadership of your organization. However, as I have recently had some extended time away with my family and had the opportunity to speak to and work with other families at a camp out east I want to change my focus a bit for this post (and a couple more).

While the ability to lead our organizations is extremely important, the ability to effectively lead our families, and specifically our children, holds a much higher priority in my book. If I am successful in building a great organization, but fail at building the next generation, I have missed the most important mark. Why should the individuals I work with get more of my leadership talent than those who I brought into this world?

One of the most important things to me as a father is to ensure that I have the hearts of my children. So, where do we start? We need to start by reaching their hearts.

The main thing I need to do to reach the heart of my child is to exercise good active listening. I know that probably seems overly simplistic. However, I work with a lot of people in this area and find that most of them are not nearly as good at listening as they think they are.

When we listen well to our children, we give them a sense of value and demonstrate to them that they are important to us. But, many things get in the way: my Blackberry or iPhone, the conversation inside my own head, time pressure, judgments I make about what my child is saying, formulating my response before they finish speaking, not taking away my attention from what I was doing and giving it to them completely...and many more.

Active listening turns everything else off and focuses completely on the one speaking...your child. Active listening involves the following:

• being intentional (purposeful, making an effort)
  
• being curious about what they have to say
• being focused completely on them
• going beyond just their words (as much as 94% of communication is non-verbal)
• paraphrasing and/or summarizing what they've said
  

It's time to practice. Take the first step toward becoming a better leader for your child. Work on your listening.

What challenges do you face? How can you overcome those challenges? Is it important enough to you to work at it?

Seize the day!
http://joedenner.blogspot.com
http://alliantleadership.com
http://twitter.com/joedenner

What Now?

This past weekend (Thu-Sat) I spoke at a conference sponsored by the Illinois Christian Home Educators. It was a great conference with many wonderful speakers. Even though I couldn't attend many break-out sessions because I was speaking myself, I took away a lot from the keynote addresses. That fact, along with a lot of good feedback from those who attended my sessions got me thinking. For them and for me...what now?

According to statistics that I have shared with you before, only 10% of people who hear a good, new idea ever do anything about it. So, how do we avoid become just another statistic, especially that one. There is a way to make the outcome a different one. It is a simple, but effective track to run on, if you are willing.

First, write down all of the action items associated with the material you took in. This requires that you set aside time to scan through your notes and record what you learned in terms of the action you need to take to make it happen. This can be a lengthy process, especially for those who attended a lot of good sessions and have a lot of notes, but it is well worth it.

Second, decide which action items are most important to you. Make a short list of 3-5 and keep the remainders on a separate list for when you are finished with the first list, or have the additional time to take them on. Steps 3-5 apply to each of the action items you decide to work on.

Third, for each action item, define the next (physical) actions required to move toward final completion. There may be a lot of individual steps, but define them each as specifically as you can.

Fourth, sit down with someone you know who will hold you accountable and tell them about your action item. Explain to them what you want to do and why it is important to you.

Fifth, set an appointment with that person for sometime in the next few days or weeks (whatever is most applicable to your situation) to discuss your progress with them. I encourage you to put together a short list of questions you want them to be sure to ask you.

Statistics show that if you are willing to go all the way through step #5, there is a 95% likelihood that you will do what you set out to do. So...you have a choice. Which statistical category do you want to fall in?

Seize the day!
http://joedenner.blogspot.com
http://alliantleadership.com
http://twitter.com/joedenner

Helping Our Youth Get a Faster Start

One of the things I have really enjoyed about being a parent has been seeing my children grow up and begin to discover what they love to do...what they were made to do. I have eight beautiful children and they are all very different.

The other day I was having lunch with a friend and was sharing about what my four teenagers are planning on doing for careers. I have one who wants to be a mom & photographer, one who wants to be involved in counter-terrorism work for the FBI, one who wants to be a web/graphic designer and one who wants to be a filmmaker. And, while things could certainly change with time and experience, it is exciting to have children who have a solid idea of what they want to do well before they reach the college years.

The other exciting thing is that most of them are getting a chance to try it out before they sink a college career (and my money) into it.

• My 18 yr old daughter has already started her own photography business and is really getting some traction. She is very talented. Check out her website to see some of her work.
• My 15 yr old son is working on websites for his sister, a neighbor and his own business that he started with a friend.
• My 14 yr old son has been working on editing a training DVD, getting it ready for sale by the gentleman who gave the seminar.

I say these things not to brag (at least not too much), but to make a point. My friend asked me at lunch the other day how in the world this happened. Initially, I didn't know how to respond. But, as I reflected for a few minutes it became clear.

Ever since our children began approaching their teens my wife and I have been very intentional about observing them to discover their passions and talents. And, we have tried to give them plenty of opportunities to explore them and try them out. I have also had my oldest three children take the StrengthsFinder 2.0 assessment and this has provided some additional insights.

Our children don't have to wait until they are 30 to figure out what they want to do. Instead of being so overly focused on sports, let's help them discover what they were made to do. They'll love it.

Seize the day!
http://joedenner.blogspot.com
http://alliantleadership.com
http://twitter.com/joedenner.com

Time to "Cut Bait?"

We've all been there. We have someone on our team that "just isn't working out." We know it is true, but rather than do the intelligent thing...we wait. And so, the bleeding continues or the cancer spreads, whichever the case may be. One thing is for sure. The situation rarely improves.

Why do we wait? Why do we put ourselves (and others) through this agony? There are two primary reasons that I have encountered personally and through my interaction with other managers.

First, we blame ourselves. We say we haven't made our expectations clear, or we haven't given them enough time to develop, or we haven't given them the right training or the right tools to succeed, or...or...or etc. We think if we can just fix those things and give them more time it will all work out.

Second, we hold out hope for a major turnaround. We think if we just wait a few more weeks or months they will discover the missing link, the "light" will go on and everything will be just fine.

Ah, yes...the magic potion of time. We fool ourselves into thinking it holds the mystical key to a happy ending. The reality is that it rarely does. Usually, the opposite is true. The longer we wait, the more damage is done...to the organization, to relationships, to our reputation.

In both cases, the culprit is usually our unwillingness to admit we made a mistake when we hired this person.

Let's not let that happen anymore. When we hear that nagging, yet confident voice saying "it just isn't going to work out," let's listen. Let's do ourselves, the organization and that person a favor and end it directly and graciously. What kind of damage is being done while you wait?

Seize the day!
http://joedenner.blogspot.com
http://alliantleadership.com
http://twitter.com/joedenner

Your Role In Organizational Culture

Below is an excerpt from my most recent newsletter on a leader's primary role as it relates to organizational culture.


What's My Role?

THE BOTTOM LINE OF CULTURE CREATION

If you don't like the culture that exists in your organization there's only one person to blame...you! That may seem a little harsh, but it's true. As the leader, your primary role is to create the culture you want. You need to be willing to say, "The buck stops here."

(to read the last edition of GLGO that introduced the topic of culture, click here.)

Where do I start?

Very simply, it starts with defining what you want. Too many leaders launch out to create something before they define the end product. As the old saying goes, "If you aim at nothing, you're bound to get it every time."

This takes time and hard work (thinking) and it typically doesn't come overnight. Answer these two questions:

1. Why do we exist as an organization? This is your value proposition, or your promise to your clients.
2. What matters most to us? These are your core values, i.e. the primary beliefs that influence the decisions you make.
   

Now, determine what culture would be consistent with your core values and give you the best opportunity to deliver on your promise to your clients? I encourage you to include some of your key influencers in this process so this becomes a shared vision. Read more...

Seize the day!
http://joedenner.blogspot.com
http://alliantleadership.com
http://twitter.com/joedenner

Extraordinary Customer Service

I normally dedicate this blog to issues related to leadership. It is my passion and what I love to talk about and deal with. But, as I pondered what to post this week my subject became very clear. Like you, I have had quite a few distasteful experiences with customer service departments, especially those from very large multi-nationals.

I typically walk away from those phone calls feeling like they could care less about me and my patronage. I am just a small fish, and a very small one at that, in their very large ocean of customers. They have their rigid policies and procedures and force me to converse with people who can't think (or who at least are told not to think), just push the company line and get off the phone and on to the next call as quickly as possible.

In the last two days, however, I have had three, overwhelmingly positive experiences. I have had two different conversations with AT&T and one with Allstate. Wow! They were great!

In one case, I was asked by the computerized receptionist, prior to being connected to a human being, if I wanted to participate in a survey at the end of the call that would give me an opportunity to comment on my experience. I, of course, said "no." By the end of the call, as I was hanging up, I really wished I had said "yes" so I could sing the praises of this very kind, very helpful person who had been on the other end of the line.

There were two common characteristics to all three calls.

First, the people spoke very clear, very intelligent English. I understood their names without them having to repeat it, and I understood every word they said. It was amazing. I have absolutely nothing against people from other countries. In fact, I really enjoy interacting with people from other countries and cultures. But, in the midst of dealing with some aggravating problems, especially over the phone, it was very refreshing to talk with someone who I knew understood my problem and whose responses I understood clearly.

The second thing that stood out was how friendly the people were. And their kindness came across as very authentic, not scripted. Their tone of voice was very pleasant and relaxed and they seemed genuinely interested in helping me. I was so surprised I almost didn't know how to deal with it. But, it was great! My problems got solved and I moved on with my day with a very pleasant "taste in my mouth."

And, here's the thing. It wasn't that complicated. It didn't take that long. They didn't impress me with their amazing technical knowledge or savvy problem-solving skills. They simply communicated clearly and kindly. Now how much can that cost?

How are you treating your customers/clients? What kind of taste do you and your people leave in their mouths? How much does it cost to be kind?

Create some raving fans! Seize the day!
http://joedenner.blogspot.com
http://alliantleadership.com
http://twitter.com/joedenner

Hard Lessons in a Microwave World

Today's post is a bit extended. But, I hope you will hang in there with me and enjoy the ride.

I had an interesting exchange with one of my sons the other day. He was complaining about a class we are making him participate in. He doesn't see how anything he is learning will help him with what he wants to do with his life. I tried to help him understand how the skills he was learning would be a major benefit in the field he wants to pursue, but to no avail. This is a challenge faced by many parents. I knew I wasn't alone.

Thankfully, the lesson from the movie "The Karate Kid" came to mind. So, my wife and I sat him down at the computer, did a quick search on YouTube and presto, there were the successive scenes we were looking for.

You remember the story. The young kid (Daniel) whose getting bullied by some thugs turns to a local karate expert (Mr. Miyagi) to teach him how to turn the tables on these guys. So, Mr. Miyagi tells him to show up at his place at 6am to begin his lessons. The next day Daniel shows up bright and early, looking forward to starting his lessons. But, Mr. Miyagi's idea of lessons is a little different than Daniel's. Watch this short clip to see (or be reminded of) how the lessons begin.



Daniel is perplexed. He's envisioning wiping the bullies out with his karate skills, but instead he finds himself wiping a bunch of old cars. What's this got to do with karate? And the cycle continues. Day after day Daniel shows up to learn karate only to find himself remodeling Mr. Miyagi's home. If you are unfamiliar with the film I encourage you to watch the successive video clips (lessons 2-4).

This is how my son felt. There was a complete disconnect between what he envisions doing some day, and what he is being asked (dare I say forced) to do today. Well, Daniel finally comes to the end of his rope after days of wearying toil. He is fed up and tired of washing and waxing Mr. Miyagi's cars, sanding his deck, painting his house and painting his fence. All for what?!?! He is about to walk out on their pact.

Watch this next clip to see how Mr. Miyagi handles the situation and how he demonstrates for Daniel the "for what."



Daniel learned an incredibly important lesson. Someone else knew better than he did what he needed in order to get what he really wanted.

Well, my son definitely got the lesson. He now understands where we are coming from. I don't know if his attitude has completely changed yet, but there's a ray of hope.

Are you and I willing to humble ourselves and be taught? Are we willing to do the hard things? In a world where we think we can get what we want from the microwave or from the vending machine in a matter of seconds, are we willing to endure the hardships and trials of gaining valuable wisdom, insight and skills from those who have walked this road before us? What are we modeling for the next generation?

Seize the day!
http://joedenner.blogspot.com
http://alliantleadership.com
http://twitter.com/joedenner